When You Want Something Real: Getting Ready to Date as a Single Mom
“Don’t date for a whole year after your divorce!”
“No one wants to date a single mom with four kids.”
“Ew, online dating? You aren’t going to meet a good guy like that.”
When I split up with my ex, suddenly everyone had an opinion on dating as a single mom. Most of it was negative and no one took my feelings into account. One thing I realized was that I was in charge of my life, which was a heady feeling that I’m still grateful for every day, and I get to make the decisions concerning all aspects of my life. No one else.
I wanted to find love, but I always wanted something else. Something real, something healthy, something that would inspire me to grow and learn. But I knew that I had to do some of my own healing first before I could add another thing to my life. I was still learning how to juggle being solely responsible for four children 24/7, not an easy feat, and I wasn’t ready to welcome someone else into that chaos just yet.
There were moments after I left my ex when I felt utterly alone and overwhelmed. I felt abandoned and unworthy, remnants of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex, and the future looked black. I remember crying and feeling like my soul was screaming out for a hug, for help, for a smile. I called my friends, tears streaming down my face, absolutely terrified of the unknown future that lay before me. The full weight of the responsibility I now carried hit me full force and it was heavy.
Learn to Carry the Responsibilities
I had to learn to carry that weight. It’s not easy and not something that happens overnight, because the responsibility of parenthood is serious. But having to take care of the kids’ needs all on my own on top of my needs took some getting used to, as well as acceptance. I still struggle with that now, over a year later.
Self-care and making sure you get enough sleep and rest is key to being able to carry all the responsibilities. Trust me, the desire to stay up to have time for yourself when all the kids are asleep is hard to ignore. I realized that if I get more sleep, I’ll feel strong and ready the next day and might be able to carve out time for myself that won’t take the place of sleep. I’ll have more energy to work on my to-list.
Finding the right balance here is tough and different seasons of life place different demands on us. Sometimes things have to change a bit in order to make it through a difficult or extra busy time. This current pandemic is a good example. I am currently reworking all my goals and plans to suit my current life instead of fighting against it. I have had to learn to be flexible.
Also, asking for help is nothing to be ashamed about. If there are options available to you, such as babysitting or help cleaning, then that’s great. You don’t have to shoulder everything alone. Something I need to remember is that sometimes people want to help, but they just aren’t sure how. Learning how to ask for what you need is an important life skill; it doesn’t come naturally to me, but I’m working on it. Start slow and build up a community of a few people you trust.
Learn to Sit with the Loneliness
I also had to learn to sit with my loneliness. I knew that if I wanted a healthy relationship, I needed to be okay with being alone first. Rushing into something right away wouldn’t help me heal from my last relationship and would most likely hurt more than help.
The nights after I put the kids to bed were my own. I would sit in the living room, relishing in the quiet with the lights off, and let my thoughts wander. I would think about what I wanted my future to look like, what I wanted in a partner, what I wanted to accomplish. I would actually listen to myself, and it was like I reached out a hand to myself in the dark. It might feel like you have no one there to listen to you, but you do: yourself. It was soothing. I grasped the hand reaching out to me and said, Ophelia I am here for you and I will always listen to you. We are one.
Learn Who You Are All Over Again
I had been with my ex for 10 years, which is a long time to have someone in your life. But I was on my own for most of the time we were married and that wasn’t anything new, but it was as though my identity had changed. I was learning who I was all over again, now as a single mom of four. Life experiences change who we are and then as we adjust to them, we need to take time to learn who we are again. It’s like that Replacements album, Pleased To Meet Me. As we grow through our experiences, we get to meet ourselves all over again. Some people aren’t ready to do that and fight it, which can cause friction and unhappiness.
When I had my first kids at 21, my twins, I had to learn about who I was as a mom. You learn about new parts of yourself, new strengths, new hopes, new dreams, new fears and worries. Then you settle into that self. As a single mom, I had the opportunity to meet myself again, this time as a single person who was free to live the life I always wanted. I had freedom to be me and I had gotten myself and my kids out of a bad situation. I also had to learn who I was as a single person with children.
That took a lot of strength and courage, traits I hadn’t realized I possessed with abundance. Who was this new Ophelia who took on uncertainty and responsibility with a grin and a wink? (Okay, I didn’t really do that, it was mostly tears, but the other stuff came later.) Have a cup of tea, sit down with a pen and a fresh journal, and get to know yourself. You’ll be surprised at what you find out. It’s how we react and respond in times of adversity that show us our true character.
Learn What You Want and Need
Wants and needs. Two words that are hard for single parents to stomach. We are so busy taking care of our kids’ wants and needs that we often forget about our own. Of course, the kids need to be taken care of, but how can we single parents do that if we neglect ourselves? Are we being a good example to our children?
Something that helps me when I feel like I need to take care of myself is writing down a list of my favorite things to do, like self-care ideas. A few of mine are going to museums, painting my nails, baking, reading, and watching movies. Writing them down reminds me that there are many wonderful things I like to do and can do.
I think that same thing applies to relationships. I wrote out a list of what I’m looking for in a partner. Writing out what I wanted help clarify things in my mind. It reinforced my deal-breakers and gave me strength to wait for what I wanted. I would read that list sometimes when I felt lonely or worried about the future. I wasn’t looking for a perfect man because no one is perfect, including myself, but it helped me pinpoint my specific needs in a partner.
If you meet someone who isn’t all the things you wrote down, then think about what’s most important for you and what your deal-breakers are. I think it does help to give people a chance, if there aren’t any red flags, and to be vocal about your own wants and needs in a relationship.
Learn to be Vulnerable Again
When I started working after I left my ex, it was the first time I’d gotten a job in eight years. I was such a different person and I was learning about who I was while balancing parenthood, work, divorce paperwork, and more. I eventually made friends and met many people, even men.
But it was hard for me to share that I was a single mom of four.
I still carried feelings of shame and worried about being judged for my situation. I met one man and I didn’t tell him about my kids for a few weeks. I was scared that he would stop talking to me. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that if he did stop talking to me, then he wasn’t worth my time and energy. If a man wasn’t on board with the fact that I had kids, then he wasn’t the man for me. It took some time for my conviction in that fact to become stronger, but as I repeated it in my head like a mantra, I began to believe it.
As time went on, I realized that I wanted to be completely upfront about my life with men. If I was serious about sharing myself and my love with another person, then that meant they needed to know about what I was dealing with on a day-to-day basis. I was done hiding aspects of life I was worried were too messy or busy. I am a single mom of four children, and I was going to be honest about that, as well as be honest about wanting to find love. I didn’t need a man to take care of us financially or become a dad to my kids, but I did want someone to add to our lives and make memories with. It’s absolutely not easy and requires patience and time, but it’s so freeing to be open and honest.
I think sharing all aspects of your life, messy and beautiful, stressful and inspiring, requires vulnerability, a strong sense of self, and an open heart. It means that you want to trust someone, that you want to let them in with open arms and invite trust and openness back. Some people will hurt you and disappoint you, but then all it takes is one person to look at your life and say it’s beautiful.
