What Are You Letting Go Of This Season?
As days grow colder and darkness comes earlier, I feel a desire to release heavy feelings within me to make space for peace and grace.
The cold has taken over my home. I turn on the lights earlier each day to combat the darkness outside. Bundled up in layers, I sip tea while I gaze at the Christmas decorations the kids put up in the living room. The trees outside my window have been losing their leaves a bit every day, the crimson and orange leaves littering the terrace and crunching underfoot.
Winter is upon us.
As another shelter-in-place order rocks the county of California I reside in, I retreat deeper into a bubble of home, kids, cooking, distance learning, cleaning, and writing.
I have been thinking about what I’ve been holding onto this year. What thoughts and feelings have I been letting take up space within me that could house more positive and helpful ones?
I have decided that it’s time for me to let peace and grace in. Let self-compassion begin to work it’s way through me, and learn to forgive myself for choices I made in the past when I was working with what I knew at the time.
But that leaves this question I’ve been asking myself: what am I letting go of this season?
Life has slowed down immensely in a way (my kids and home still keep me busy!) and I’ve been looking inward. As I try to rest more and let my thoughts wander, I realized that there are two things I want to let go of:
Expectations and shame.
I had so many expectations for 2020. I had made plans to travel, bought concert and plane tickets, and started a new job. I felt like I had everything all planned out after a few months of soul-searching and trying to forge a new path for myself.
It was right at that moment, when I felt secure and ready, that everything changed. The law firm I was working for closed their offices and told me not to come in, and the schools closed so my kids had to stay home. I had no idea what the future would hold and the news of the virus was unsettling to say the least. The concerts I was planning to attend canceled and my plans turned to smoke.
Thus started a new way of living: distance learning, social distancing, mask-wearing, and new shopping protocols. Even the expectations I held for myself changed: I was now teacher as well as a stay at home single parent. I’d begun to find a sense of accomplishment in working, but now I was back home and that was difficult to come to terms with, and still is sometimes.
However, every time something challenged my expectations, I became frustrated, distraught, and not as hopeful.
As the pandemic stretched on and the news was up and down, I realized that I could let the uncertainty and stress take hold of me, or I could focus on staying present. I could release my expectations of what 2020 should be like and see what each day brings. Tackle one issue at a time. There was no way I could plan for my future or my family’s future when everything was still so uncertain.
Now, I want to release my expectations of 2021. I want to go into the new year as neutral and calm as possible, finding happiness in little moments of pleasure or quiet. I want to take things one day at a time and stay open to new possibilities and changes.
As for shame, that was a feeling I’d held on to for a long time, since before my marriage ended. I became pregnant at age 21 during my junior year of college, and one can imagine all the comments I received. It was a painful and lonely time for me, and when I found out I was expecting twins I definitely had no idea what my life was going to be like.
Looking back, I wish I hadn’t let others’ opinions affect my well-being and image of myself as a mother and woman. I held onto a sense of shame, a belief that because I was a young mother I wasn’t a “real” mom or a “good” one. I didn’t have a college degree or lots of money, but I had love, strength, and motivation to take good care of my children.
When I left my ex, I was scared of people judging me again, this time for being a single mom of four young children. I was nervous about telling people about my life and situation, especially once I got a job. As time went on, it became easier to share things about my life without worrying what other people thought. If they were rude or unfriendly, then they weren’t having in my life.
I have since realized that I am not ashamed of myself, my kids, or our situation. I am actually proud of myself; there aren’t too many people who could step up and shoulder the responsibility of a large family on their own, and I have. It isn’t easy, but I have no regrets and I know I am doing the best I can.
Shame doesn’t help you grow or feel good about yourself; it keeps you low and full of self-doubt. Instead, I want to embrace my life, my choices, and yes, even my mistakes. If we don’t forgive ourselves and show ourselves compassion, then who will? You can’t rely on anyone else to do that. On hard days, I wrap my arms around myself, reminding myself that I am present and loved. I have worth as a human being and my situation in life doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else. I have to believe in myself and keep going; frankly, I’m so busy that I don’t have time for shame!
I want to make my own destiny. I want to flow like a river of change, a torrent of energy ready to change the world. Chains of shame and expectations can only hinder me as I grow as a person and mother. I breathe out shame, expectations, and fear, and then breathe in peace, grace, and compassion, leaving a space within for new possibilities.
