How To Deal With A Breakup As A Single Parent
It’s painful, heartrending, and disappointing, yet there are ways that can help you smile again and feel freer than ever before.
Breakups hurt no matter what.
When I left my ex-husband and filed for divorce, it hurt. Even though I was completely sure of my decision, it still hurt.
My first breakup post-divorce was very painful and honestly, still is.
I had so much hope, especially since it was my first relationship as a single parent, and I felt like I had learned so much from my divorce. I felt positive about things and ready to do relationships differently.
Life is complicated and sometimes things don’t work out the way we wish they would. Sometimes things happen that make no sense at the time, but I trust that there will come a time where I will understand why events had to unfold a certain way.
There are different ways people heal from breakups, but healing from a breakup as a single parent is a different experience.
Remember Your Love For Your Kids
I was in pain, but I also knew that I still had to be there for my children. I needed to heal, but focusing on them and their needs helped me remember my priorities.
My children are my family. They are a huge part of my life and I am so grateful to be able to come home to them every day. Relationships may end, but my children will always be in my life in one way or another.
Snuggling, hugging, laughing, talking, playing with them all helps. It makes a difference to remember that we do have people who love us and look up to us. In my saddest moments, I realized that I love when my kids run up to hug me after I get off the bus from campus (I am back in college to finish my degree) and I am so lucky to be able to experience that. There is a fierce and loving togetherness that single parents have with their children, and that can carry you through the darkest of times.
Self Care is More Important Than Ever
Self care is always important for single parents, as hard as it can be to do, but especially so after a breakup.
Think about what helps you feel calm. Trying to be happy might only bring about feelings of frustration and it’s better to start slow. Calm is a good place to start. Bubble baths, cups of tea, long talks with friends, journaling, getting lost in a new book or a familiar read, watching comfort shows/movies, baking/cooking, and going on walks can help take your mind off what happened and nourish your soul at the same time.
Try reaching out and seeing if family, trusted friends, or babysitters can watch your kids so you can have a break and learn who you are all over again. Pain changes us and it’s good to check in with ourselves.
I spent a day in San Francisco exploring an art museum and took myself out to lunch. I even splurged on art supplies to try a medium I’ve always wanted to explore. I felt very happy as I sat in the museum cafe, people-watching and feeling alive in the moment. The future was uncertain, as it always is, but I could enjoy the present.
It’s Complicated and That’s Okay
Relationships can be complex and messy. Feelings sometimes don’t just turn off and connections that were important can take a while to fade.
Don’t beat yourself up. Feel all the feelings because bottling it up will hurt worse, trust me. However, be aware that we single parents are very busy and sometimes we don’t have the time to mourn when we need to. Thus, all our feelings can burst out of us like an exploding star, a kaleidoscope of emotions and pain.
Feelings are complicated and if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that most things aren’t black and white, they can be a muddled grey-lilac color that confuses the color scheme of our lives.
Maybe you think you are over it and something triggers a memory, and then the pain washes over you again like a shower of emotions. Grief has no timeline and it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you if it hurts again.
Therapy Can Help
I started therapy again at my college; students are allowed 10 sessions and you bet I’m taking advantage of that! It’s been so helpful and validating. I’ve been able to heal and move on because I have a safe person to talk to who understands things. I feel validated and have been able to make peace with some things.
I have also found an inner strength that has helped me heal feelings of low self-worth that the breakup triggered within me through talking with her.
Reaching out to support lines and mental health hotlines can also help a lot, even if it’s a text service. Sometimes we just need to talk to someone who is available for that kind of support. Friends have their own lives that they are dealing with and it’s good to be aware of that. I have definitely shared a lot with my friends and they’ve helped me through hard times too. But there are moments where we need someone versed in mental health support.
YOU ARE WORTHY
Even if you have to write it down or remind yourself of it every day, remember that you are worthy of love, good things, safety, and happiness.
You have so much value as a person and add sparkles to the world.
Just opening yourself up to another person is remarkably brave. And just because the relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean you are inherently unlovable or that there is something wrong with you. You were vulnerable with another person and that is a gift. Sometimes people don’t always appreciate what a gift that is, but I do. Someone else will see it and recognize that gift as being priceless and special.
I also remind myself that if I could fall in love with someone after being in an abusive marriage, then I’m doing alright. Loving someone is a beautiful thing and though sometimes there is pain, it is because we have allowed ourselves to feel.
And feeling anything is a wondrous thing.
